difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! Of course, they object when you point it out. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. You need to ask yourself why. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. so I dropped him. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. Its a choice. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. And its SPOT ON. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Wtf. Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles I forgive him and have prayed about it. Those . Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. 4. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. I needed it today. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. and not actually to feel any better. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. Vindication? One of the problems with a grudge is that often the person holding it doesn't tell the person who committed the so-called hurt. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Thanks for the advice. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. That just comes with time and distance. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. Thats the tricky part. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Lol. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! At all. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Here is his message hi!! What if? I really love BR. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Its important that you listen to your gut. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! And I didnt. Stay away. But I dont seem to find peace. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. Hes done this before. My bad! Ill definitely remember that. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. and promotions on our books and products! MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. I keep trying to fix it and I act like a good sport where I ignore the reality of how they act. Just wanted to clarify. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. Great addition, and true! Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. Then watch Luke and Rapha Castro give their unique and direct take on love every Saturday 3pm on My Channel S. Link in bio. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. He didnt even know them before. I can see myself also potentially being fooled into thinking new intensity means dropping the act. Your post was educational. I really have no feelings towards her at all. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. Remember your boundaries. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. You will always remember. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. It beggars belief! Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. 100%. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Im not calling her again. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". by NATALIE | Oct 21, 2013 | Happiness & Self-Esteem | 180 comments. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. Hmmm. as well as other partner offers and accept our. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. Stand up for what you believe in. Seriously! No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. If you havent, it may be something helpful in the healing process. Grace, you were right it was big let down. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward?

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